On The Lighter Side
Using humor in the pulpit
The use of humor in sermons is controversial for some people. They consider humor during preaching to be inappropriate. However, I have used funny stories and jokes in my sermons for many years. They can be effective when used sparingly.
There are several things to note:
1. God has a sense of humor, and we are created in the image of God. Laughter is good medicine for the soul. And it’s okay to laugh in church. I have used almost all of the following stories and jokes in my sermons. (I’m in the process of collecting more for this Substack.)
2. Jokes about heaven are usually based on stereotypes, such as Peter meeting us at the Pearly Gates, angels with clipboards checking our credentials, and so on. The Bible does not teach about heaven using such Hollywood clichés. Therefore, when I tell such jokes, I will stress that this is not reality, and here’s what the Bible teaches, etc. That being said, there are some real howlers in this category.
3. All humor from the pupil should be clean and not profane. No bad language, please.
So, with our introduction out of the way, here we go…
A young pastor fresh out of the seminary was asked by the local funeral director to hold a graveside service for a man with no family or friends. The service was to be held at a small cemetery, way back in the countryside.
Since the pastor was not familiar with that backwoods area, he became hopelessly lost. Finally, he arrived an hour late. He saw the backhoe and the crew who were eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. The pastor apologized to the workers for his tardiness, and he stepped to the side of the open grave where he saw the vault lid was already in place.
The young pastor assured the workers that he would not hold them up for long, but it was the proper thing to do a service. Therefore, he began an energetic service of Scripture readings, prayers, a proclamation of the Gospel and the committal service itself. Feeling that he had done his duty for the man, the pastor thanked the crew and walked back to his car.
As he was driving away, one of the workers said, “I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years, and I ain’t never seen anything like that!”
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A man stopped by a local church and asked if he could speak to the head hog at the feeding trough. The church secretary said, “Who?” The man replied, “I want to talk to the head hog at the feeding trough!” The secretary said, “Sir, if you mean our pastor, you will have to treat him with more respect. You should have asked for ‘the Reverend’ or ‘the Pastor.’ But you certainly cannot refer to him as the head hog at the feeding trough!”
The man then said, “Oh, I see. Well, I have a $10,000 check I was going to donate to your church, but I guess I can go somewhere else then.” The secretary then cried out, “Wait a minute! I think the big pig just walked through the door!”
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A Jewish rabbi and a Catholic priest were best friends. At a picnic one day, the priest was eating a ham sandwich. He said, “You know, this ham sandwich is absolutely delicious. I know you’re not supposed to eat ham, but I don’t understand why such a good thing would be forbidden. When will you break down and try it?” The rabbi replied, “When? At your wedding, that’s when!”
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The story is told of how former President George W. Bush was in an airport lobby when he noticed a man with a long white beard, wearing a long white robe and holding some stone tablets under his arm. George approached the man and asked, “Aren’t you Moses?” The man ignored him and stared at the ceiling. George positioned himself directly in the man’s view and asked again, “Aren’t you Moses?” The man continued to stare at the ceiling. George tugged at the man’s sleeve and asked again, “Aren’t you Moses?” The man finally responded in an irritated voice, “Yes, I am!” George asked, “Why are you so unfriendly?” Moses replied, “The last time I spoke to a Bush, I had to spend forty years in the wilderness!”
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Did you hear about the two hunters who flew deep into remote Canada in search of elk? When they started back home, their pilot, seeing that they had bagged four elk, told them the plane could only carry out two.
The hunters protested. They said, “The plane that carried us out last year was exactly the same as this one. The horsepower was the same, the weather was the same, and we had four elk back then.” Hearing this, the pilot reluctantly agreed to try. They loaded up and took off.
Unfortunately, the plane did not have sufficient power to carry all that weight, so it crashed. As they stumbled from the wreckage, one hunter asked the other, “Do you know where we are?” “Well, I’m not sure,” replied the other one, “but I think we are about a mile from where we crashed last year.”
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A Sunday School teacher was teaching the importance of love in the home. She illustrated her point by quoting the Fourth Commandment, “Honor your father and mother.” Then, she asked the class if there was a commandment that taught how brothers and sisters should treat each other. One boy who came from a big family immediately raised his hand. “Yes,” he replied, “Thou shalt not murder!”
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One morning after church, a father asked his little son, “How was Sunday School?” He answered, “Oh, it was all right.” The father said, “Just all right? Who was your teacher?” The little boy replied, “I don’t know, but she must have been the grandmother of Jesus. He was all she talked about!”
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In a Peanuts comic strip, Lucy comes storming into the room where Linus is watching TV. She demands that Linus change the channel. Linus said to her, “I was here first. So, I get to watch what I want.”
Without a word, Lucy marches over, grabs the remote from Linus’ hand, and switches the channel to her favorite program. Linus protests, “Hey! I was here first!” Lucy declares, “In the 20th chapter of Matthew, it says, ‘The last will be first and the first will be last.’” Linus mutters to himself, “I’ll bet Matthew didn’t have an older sister.”
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A wealthy Wall Street executive had everything that money could buy, so for his birthday, a colleague bought him a penguin. The executive did not know what to do with the penguin, so he asked one of his assistants to take it to the zoo. Later that day, the assistant returned with the penguin by his side. The executive was quite upset at this. “Why did you bring that thing back here?” he asked. “I told you to take it to the zoo!” “I did,” replied the assistant. “And the penguin liked it so much, that tomorrow I’m taking him to the movies!”
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One day, an elderly woman was driving a big, new expensive car. She was preparing to back into a parallel parking space. Just as she was about to back in, a young man in a small sports car zoomed into her space, beating her out of it. The lady got out of her car and demanded to know why he had taken her parking spot, when he could clearly see that she was trying to park there. The man laughed and simply said, “Because I’m young and quick!” And with that, he walks away.
A few minutes later, he comes back and finds the woman using her big, new car as a battering ram. She was backing up and repeatedly crashing into his parked car over and over again. He cried out, “Lady, why are you wrecking my car?” She simply responded, “Because I’m old and rich!”
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A high school football coach had a star quarterback who was not very smart. The only way the kid could stay on the team would be if he passed all of his classes, which was not very likely. After some discussion, all his teachers agreed to go easy on him, except for one, his math teacher. The coach begged the math teacher not to fail the kid. The math teacher agreed to give the boy a simple oral exam, which, if he passed, would count for extra class credit.
The coach came to the oral exam for moral support. The math teacher asked only one question: “What is five times three?” “Fifteen,” the boy answered. The coach went into a panic and yelled out, “Give him another chance! Just one more chance!”
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Some Boy Scouts from the big city were on their first camping trip. The mosquitoes were so fierce, that the boys had to hide under their blankets to avoid being bitten. They both looked up and saw some lightning bugs. The one boy turns to his friend and says, “We might as well give up. They are coming after us with flashlights!”
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The headquarters of a big firm sent a large bouquet of flowers to a branch office that was having a grand opening in a town across the state. When the executives from the headquarters arrived to celebrate the opening of the new branch, they saw the words on the flowers they had sent: Our Sincerest Sympathy. Immediately, they phoned the florist and asked what had happened. “Good heavens!” the florist exclaimed. “That means the flowers I sent to the funeral home read Congratulations on Your New Location!”
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A man was scheduled to speak at an important business dinner. As the elegant meal was being served, the man suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth. In a panic, he muttered to the man next to him, “I can’t believe I forgot my teeth!”
“No problem,” the man whispered back to him. “I may have an extra pair you can use.” The man pulled a few sets of false teeth out of his pocket and presented them to the frantic man. The first pair was too tight. The second pair was too loose. The third pair fit perfectly. The speaker, now totally relieved, greatly enjoyed his meal and delivered an excellent speech.
At the end of the evening, the speaker greatly thanked the man who had saved him from embarrassment. “You really did me a great favor tonight. You know, I’ve been looking for a new dentist. Where are you located?”
“Oh, I’m not a dentist,” the helpful man replied. “I work at a funeral home.”
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A little boy watched his new baby sister in the crib as she screamed and kicked. He finally asked, “Where did she come from?” “Heaven,” his mother replied. “No wonder they let her go,” the boy responded.
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Charlie Brown had just lost another baseball game. Lucy walks over to him, puts her hands on her hips, and says, “Charlie Brown, you are a foul ball in the line drive of life! You are a total miscue! You are a missed free throw, a shanked nine iron, a called third strike. You are a blocked punt, a slap shot that hits the glass, a dropped fly ball. You are a seven-ten split in the tenth frame, a missed field goal in overtime, and three putts on the eighteenth green. Have I made myself clear?”
As she walks away, Linus comes over and says, “Don’t feel bad, Charlie Brown. They say you learn more from your defeats than your victories.” Charlie Brown says, “If that’s true, then I’m the smartest person in the world!”
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A Sunday School teacher held up a portrait of Christ to her class. She explained to the class that it was not an actual photograph, but an artist’s conception of what Christ looks like. “But,” one little girl said, “You’ve got to admit, it looks a lot like him.”
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Some people who had car accidents were asked to summarize on their insurance forms exactly what happened. The following are true statements taken from people who had auto accidents:
+ “Coming home, I drove into the wrong driveway and hit a tree I don’t have.”
+ “I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.”
+ “The guy was all over the road – I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.”
+ “I had been driving my car for over 40 years and I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.”
+ “My car was legally parked when it backed into the other vehicle.”
+ “An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.”
+ “I told the police I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I discovered I had a skull fracture.”
+ “The pedestrian had no idea of which way to go, so I ran over him.”
+ “The telephone pole was approaching fast; I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck me.”
+ “I was driving along just fine, then I glanced over at my mother-in-law and I drove over the embankment.”
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A couple in Southern California were planning to get married, but before they were able to get married, they were swallowed up by a giant earthquake. The next thing they knew, they were standing together before Peter in heaven. The couple asked Peter if they could still get married. He said, “Let me check about this – I’ll get back to you.”
A week passed, then a month. Finally, Peter approached them with a pastor following closely behind. “All right, you can get married now!”
The couple thanked Peter for allowing the marriage, but they now had a second request. After a month of waiting, they felt it would be wise to draw up a prenuptial agreement. Peter was really upset now. “Look,” he said, “It took me a month to find a pastor up here! How long do you think it’s going to take to find a lawyer?”
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We recently saw a cartoon that showed a long line of men standing in line before the Pearly Gates of heaven, waiting to get in. A sign above one gate read, “For Men Who Have Been Dominated by Their Wives.” The line extended as far as the eye could see. There was a sign over another gate nearby. It read, “For Men Who Have Never Been Dominated by Their Wives.” Only one man was standing before it. St. Peter came over to him and asked, “Why are you standing here?” The man said, “I don’t know. My wife told me to stand here!”
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A Sunday School teacher was making the point with her class that God was omnipotent – he is all-powerful and is able to do anything. She then asked her class, “Is there anything you can think of that God cannot do?” There was silence. Then one little boy held up his hand. “He can’t please everybody!”
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Did you hear about the monastery that had a very strict rule of silence? This order of monks lived by a strict rule that permitted speaking in public only once a year, by only one monk.
When the day came around, the monk whose turn it was, stood up and said to everyone in the dining hall, “I don’t like the mashed potatoes here. They are too lumpy!” And he sat down.
A year later, another monk whose turn it was, stood up and said, “I rather like the mashed potatoes here. I think they are very tasty!” And he sat down.
Another year went by, and it was a third monk’s turn to speak. He stood up and said, “I’m leaving the monastery. I can’t stand all this constant bickering!”
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A man crawling through the Sahara desert met another man riding on a big camel. As the rider approached, the crawling man whispered through his parched lips, “Water! Please give me some water.”
“I’m sorry,” the man on the camel replied, “I don’t have any water, but I would be glad to sell you a necktie.” “A necktie?” the man says, “I don’t need a necktie. I need water!” “They are only four dollars each.” “I need water!” “Okay, two for seven dollars.” “Please, I need water!” “I’m sorry, but all I have are these neckties.” And with that, the man on the camel rides off into the distance.
The man keeps crawling through the desert sand. Finally, after many hours, he comes to a restaurant, which is open for business. The man picks himself up, dusts off his clothes, and goes inside. He sits himself down at the first table he finds. The waiter comes over and the man says, “I would like a big glass of water, please.” The waiter replies, “I’m sorry, sir. But neckties are required!”
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Three men were fishing together in a boat on a lake when an angel suddenly appeared to them. The first man says, “I’ve suffered from back pain for years. Can you help me?” The angel touched the man’s back and he feels instant relief.
The second man points to his thick glasses and he asks for a cure for his poor eyesight. The angel touches the man’s eyes and the man regains 20/20 vision.
The angel turns to the third man. He yells out, “Don’t touch me! I’m on disability!”
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Did you hear the story about Fred? When Fred arrived at the pearly gates, he was met by an angel who began to process his entry form. He asked Fred, “Can you give me one example of an unselfish act of kindness that you did while you were on earth?” Fred thought for a moment and said, “Okay, how about this?”
“One day I was walking along and came upon a little old lady who was being attacked by a big, tough motorcycle thug. Well, I just stepped right up, and I first knocked over his motorcycle to distract him. I then kicked him real hard in the shins and told the old lady to run for help. Then, I hauled off and gave this bum a tremendous punch in his stomach.”
The angel was impressed and said, “Wow, that’s quite a story. Tell me, when exactly did this happen?” Fred looked at his watch and said, “Oh, about two minutes ago.”
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A Catholic parishioner asked his priest one day, “Father, what causes arthritis?” The old priest fixed him with a critical stare and said, “Arthritis? What causes arthritis? Immoral living - that is what causes it! Smoking! Drinking! Running around.” Then, the old priest sternly looked at him and asked, “And why do you ask, my son?” “Oh, no particular reason,” the parishioner replied. “It just says here in the paper that the Pope has arthritis.”
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The story is told of a church that was having trouble with its sound system. They decided to upgrade their system, and they added a couple of new speakers. The pastor then asked for comments and feedback after the first service with the new sound system. One elderly man said, “Pastor, I don’t like it! If I wanted to hear what you had to say, I would sit closer to the front.”
All pictures today feature Long Island Sound.